I was at a bar last night and had the most intense moment with a young stranger. No, it was not like that, but after this story, you will understand how it never could have happened.
One of my dearest friends in the world and I went out for a few drinks last night. It was a catch-up to continue my birthday week’s celebration. When we are outside having one of our frequent 420 breaks we meet lots of people by standing in one particular corner of the place. The previous time we were out together, we met this delightful British man, around the same age as the guy that I met last night. We had the most insightful, hilarious, and honest exchange. It was so refreshing. We had a shared love of the theater, too. He was excited to find out that my Emmy nominated hair and makeup designer friend and I were working in theater ( you already know that I am doing a side hustle ushering). We immediately gelled, shared drinks, and we now have a new friend.
However, last night was special. While standing in what was our British jackpot corner, a young gentleman, shirtless in a harness, saddles up to my friend and me and sparks conversation. He was from Richmond, Virginia. He has friends that live in Brooklyn, and he travels to the city a couple of weekends a month or so. He considers himself more of an outsider with benefits: a regular, free of charge, crash pad to visit with enough time off that he can spend those hours in the Big Apple living his best young life.
My dearest friend and I, like with our now British friend, opened our little circle to this young man. Initially, he was delightful. My friend bought us both drinks. We shared some fun stories and had what was a seemingly nice time. We all eventually separated for a brief time to explore the room. There were a lot of hot men in that room. I am back on the market now, and I wanted to do a little window shopping. No harm, no foul.
Upon regrouping at our now new outdoor station, another of my dear friends joined the circle. While my two friends caught up, our new potential protege returned from making rounds. This time he was in his harness and just his underwear. Hey, whatever makes one comfortable. He came to tell us that when he approached someone in his current ensemble, the person snarled back, "Noooo" at him and rebuffed his advances. He seemed to not be bothered by it. We all said to him that is the nature of the scene. Don’t worry about it, because a “no” from one is a "yes" from someone else. I also added crassly, just ride all the “D” you want. You’re young and life is your oyster. He then looked at me and said, “can I say something and it is not meant to be offensive?” Now we all know that when someone starts a sentence like that, he/she/they KNOW what he/she/they are saying is going to be offensive AF, and they just want permission to be a prick. Let me also say that after making his rounds and before his potentially offensive statement, he asked to connect via social media, and instinctively I knew it was a bad idea and hesitated. Boy, was I right.
I told him that I am not promising to not be offended or to not respond defensively, so the risk is yours. He then proceeds to say to ME that as much as he "appreciates" the advice from "sage, OLDER, gay men" he doesn't even take it under advisement, because he makes up his own decisions. Besides these people and their casual conversations, I see them really as "disposable humans" anyway. How can I not be offended? Here is some sage, old, gay advice: if you play stupid games, then you will win stupid prizes.
So, I took in a deep breath and within week 1 of year 56, I had to calmly tell a millennial gay to simply, "fuck off." Well, not simply, of course the lecture that followed was truly inspired in the moment, and I hope my 420 fogged memory will not fail me.
I told this young man that the idea that he is walking into a gay bar and underneath his breath, he is dismissing people as disposable, is reprehensible and disgusting. I then said, you walk in the room with all of that going on, and then wonder why that while even in a harness and your fetish drawers, nobody is biting. You can take the boy out of Richmond, but you can't take Richmond out of the boy.
Of course, I wasn't through. I then went in to remind him of something. I said, "So you were kindly invited into a conversation by 2 'sage old queens.' One of them bought you drinks. One of them offered you 420. They introduced you to another sage one within THEIR circle. NO one tried to hit on you. No one is making you uncomfortable. You are being exposed to 3 people, who happen to be very connected to more than just the “gay” scene. Meanwhile, the entire time we are "disposable humans" to you. It's time for you to now exit this conversation. Actually, you need to walk away and go fuck yourself. You are dismissed from this conversation. Sashay away." His apologies were constant but not accepted. He disappeared into the darkness donning a wedgie with the boom-boom-boom of the fierce house music playing as his exit music.
Of course, there are a few takeaways from this moment. For the "seasoned" LGBTQ+ members of our population, many of us are truly entering mentor status in our parts of the world and take it seriously. Since there is a concerted campaign to wipe our history from existence, it is now up to us to be not only the keeper of our history, but also to be collective stewards to our younger generations, even if we want to donkey kick a few of them across a room. In the heyday of the AIDS crisis, we lost so many mentors. We had to figure out a lot of this stuff on our own by trial and error. Many of us were lucky to have worldlier friends and to meet a few of the remaining mentors along the way, especially those STILL living with HIV since the days of daily funerals and memorial services and before the "one pill a day" reality that this generation has been afforded. It would behoove the younger generation to be nicer and show a tad bit more respect when interacting with many of us.
However for this younger, new-fangled, fluid, LGBTQ+ generation, the real lesson is you better watch what you say to us because you will get read for filth, and trust me, no one can read you better than a disrespected old queen. Learn from my new young, British friend. He kindly and respectfully engaged. He made 2 friends that were able to accommodate him and his husband to a Broadway show just because they could and simply wanted to do it. We have a pending boozy brunch planned once we can coordinate schedules. Compare that to "you are dismissed", “sashay away” and "fuck off!! " Let us all do better to, for, and with each other, shall we? You never know who you will meet. Disposable humans, indeed.
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